sticks and stones

Whenever my kids come home from school and tell me something nasty someone said to them, I'm torn with how to react. Do I (a) tell them to point the perpetrator out to me the next time I'm at school so I can kick their little butt, (b) help them with quick come-backs for the future, or (c) try to convince them that other people's false, mean words shouldn't mean anything to them?

I actually do all three--just to cover my bases.

It seems interesting to me, however, that for all the good things that have happened in my life and all the years that have passed, I can still remember almost every mean thing someone has said to me. I mean, not right now, of course--I don't think well under pressure--but my point is that other people's words can really stick with us.

Someone tells you you have a big nose, and you find yourself self-conscious about your schnoz for years. Someone says you should watch your weight, and you begin a messed up relationship with food and exercise that lasts a lifetime. Someone mentions you don't have a good singing voice, and you stop singing. How can we allow others' words to effect us so much?

As an adult, I can now see that when people say mean things, it normally has nothing to do with me. Some people are just hurting, or vying for some control. Others are just naturally cranky people and want to lash out at everyone. And some people are just people like us, having a bad day, a bad attitude, and say something that they quickly regret. But kids, kids don't naturally realize this, so they are more likely to take mean words to heart.

I lay with Elia last night and asked her what the meanest thing was that anyone had ever said to her. She said, "You mean besides Kate?" (Yes, we're not getting into sibling squabbles right now...for all the words that have passed between me and my brother, I don't remember the bad stuff.) She began listing things that a couple girls in particular from her class have said to her the last two years. Things like, "You're not so cute," "You are bossy, everyone says so," and "Your voice is too high." What?! First of all, kudos to this kid for employing the untenable "everyone says so" line to her strike against my baby. And secondly, I don't know why someone would care the pitch of Elia's voice, but maybe such is the life of critical 3rd-12th grade girls. Anyhow, Elia listed more and hasn't seemed to forget any of it, and her (high) voice started to catch as she spilled them out to me one by one. I calmly started in on my whole "hurt people hurt people" spiel, and how the words we say can so deeply affect others, but for the first time in my life, I found myself wanting to have better advice.

Low and behold, I found this in my Facebook this morning: How to Stop a (verbal) Bully. Brooks Gibbs talks bout bullying being "dominance behavior," an attempt to overpower others. So then the only way to defuse a bully is to be resilient by not getting upset. (Thus not having your mother kick their butts, or having a quick come-back, apparently.) You don't like my voice? Point taken, I'll be sure to make note of that. You think I'm not so cute? Well, we certainly are all entitled to our opinions. Basically, Nothing you say to or about me will change what I think of myself.

I think the key is to not put yourself down by agreeing with them, but to not take their bait and get upset, because the second you show retaliation, the bully has gotten exactly what they're looking for--a reaction from you. Very tricky, and since it's not a natural human reaction, it must take some practice.

So now, if you'll excuse me, because I love my daughter so very much, I'm going to go tell her that her feet stink and her personality isn't so great, and role-play some possible reactions to that. If you need someone to insult your child, send 'em on over...I just might be on to something here!