man, oh man

There is a post-it note taped to the inside of Greg's closet door. The first time I saw it, I thought it was super sweet. Weird, but sweet. It reads:

1. tell her you believe in her aww

2. get her outside okay...

3. pursue her interests bless his heart, we'll organize together!

4. minimize the princess excuse me?

5. show empathy I should say

6. help her love her looks sweet

7. sign her up for sports I'm feeling uncomfortable now

8. show interest in her academics say what?

Of course, when I asked Greg about it later, he said it was a reminder for fathering our daughters, which does help explain the "minimize the princess" point.

A strong father-child relationship is so important in the development of children. Elizabeth Weiss McGolerick writes that "a father's influence in his daughter's life shapes her self-esteem, self-image, confidence and opinions of men." And how do they do this? Most importantly by being present, listening, taking an interest in what interests their child, and actively living some of the list above.

Ever since I can remember, I knew I could trust my dad. Whether it meant that I knew he'd keep me safe on the back of his bike, that he would successfully catch me when I jumped from the hayloft, or that his advice was solid, I never even thought to doubt him. This security, I've come to learn, is one of the biggest gifts my dad could give to me.

Looking back I can see that my dad was always pushing me to grow. He, himself, the eldest of 10, was the first to go to college, and after two years signed up to go with the Army to Germany for two years before returning to finish college. He has multiple master's degrees, has changed careers a couple of times, has changed countries more than once, and has written a book. Knowing myself like I do, I probably would have been okay to play it safe my whole life, had he not enoucraged me to try new things. He was the kind of dad who said, "You need to talk to so-and-so about her job to see if it interests you" (and I would). He said, "I think you would really enjoy Dordt College" (and I did). And "You should write more" (and I do). Most of the advice I gave in a letter to my friend's daughter post came from him. See, I was listening, Dad!

In Alyssa Elhage's article The Surprising Ways Your Father Impacts Who You'll Marry, she writes, "Not only do we look to our fathers as our most important male role model, but we also learn how to interact with men from them. According to Dr. Nielsen, it is dads—more so than moms—who 'have the greater impact on the daughters’ ability to trust, enjoy, and relate well to the males in her life.' A girl who has been fathered well, she wrote in a recent article, 'is the most likely to have relationships with men that are emotionally intimate and fulfilling,' and 'to have more satisfying, more long-lasting marriages.'"

Not to say that you're out of luck if you didn't have a present father, but the effects were no doubt felt in one way or another. How was it that the sometimes-wise John Mayer once put it? "Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughter too." It's a cycle, which thankfully can be improved upon by each generation. But it is not lost on me that I have benefited from a very healthy cycle of fathers.

My dad and Greg are quite different in a lot of ways. My dad has a loud voice, is comfortable with silence, is quite a Republican, is pretty laid back, and after working on something for a while, believes that things are "good enough." that's where I get it from Meanwhile, Greg is a soft speaker, will do anything to fill the silence, leans Democrat, is rather paranoid when it comes to child safety, and has never once uttered the words "good enough!" However, they share more in common than these differences and a complete adoration of me.

Both of the most influential men in my life are dreamers, life-long learners, readers, encouragers, listeners, wise, adventurers, and non-yellers (even when I bang up their cars). And they both think I'm better than I actually am. My dad made me feel secure, and Greg makes me feel safe. My dad taught me to bake pies from scratch and would make a hot breakfast for us in the morning when we were little, now Greg makes big breakfasts for our kids whenever he can. My dad sat at the kitchen table and helped me with math and editing my papers, and now Greg helps me with editing my writings. (Both of them forced me to be a better writer.) My dad and I worked on house projects together, now Greg and I work on house projects together (with just a tad more aggravation). I never had to worry that my dad would embarrass me in front of my friends, and now all of my friends like Greg better than they like me. My dad would wrestle my brother and me, and now Greg...no, we don't wrestle. Maybe that's it then.

I always say--a lot of things--but one of them is this: As much as I thought I wanted only boys, I believe with my whole heart that Greg was made to father girls. Not that he wouldn't make a fantastic dad to a son, but what a blessing for our girls to grow up with a man like Greg. A man who cares enough for them to not only write down goals to tangibly build them up, but who wakes up early to fill their bellies with pancakes and grade A syrup. Greg is the one who takes them to play soccer in the park. He's the one who makes their roughly drawn out plans a reality. He's the one who bandages their scrapes and forces them to play the violin. Greg is the one who takes them on ten-year adventures in Chicago and reads to them at night. Exactly what does Sarah do? He's the one who helps them with their homework and worries about their confidence. And, through all of this, he's the one who is setting them up to have fulfilling, healthy relationships in adulthood. And for this, and for the role my father-in-law played in this, and the role my father played in this, I am eternally grateful. So, I wish a very happy Father's Day to all the men in my life! Father on, good men!